Unknown Deadline

I have a lot of pictures of my kids when they were little. But that is only because their grandparents took them. I lost every camera anyone gave me. Instead I took "memory shots". I would see a look my daughter gave my son and "click-it" in my mind, inside the story of it.

I've been filming a movie of my life forever. I have mental footage of every trauma and triumph. There are aerial shots scanning scenes before they happen. There are "beauty shots" with selected moments and music beneath. There are breaks in the film. Omitted scenes that wait for me to be ready to splice them back in. There are additional short subject films of people who entered briefly and left a great story.

I love pictures popping up randomly when a spoken word sparks a memory. Or calling for them when creating a story. While waiting in grocery store lines I view a film short. I try to keep my emotions in check to not startle people around me. Sometimes that is impossible. I'm sure it accounts for the line miraculously shrinking.

I used to feel a little superior to the picture takers. I thought they were so busy looking for the right shot they missed the seeing and feeling and tasting the moment. Now I see a purpose. The moment is never lost. It can be shared with those who want to know and remember them. They can gaze at the photographs to remember themselves.

I've seen people losing their minds. And with it their memories turn upside down. Sometimes inside out. Or vanish completely. Pictures are used to ground them. When that no longer works, it grounds the ones who love them.

I feel the need to capture my life in solid form. I don't know why. To search for the answer only wastes time and doesn’t take away the need. There is a point when it is too late.

And so I write. Fifty eight years worth of scripts and captions. With an unknown deadline, I write as fast as I can.

Nineteen Day Fast-Day One

I should not have stayed up so late last night.

I knew it wasn't good.

I had to get up early.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I do things that I know are not good for me?

If I could ever figure out why I self sabotage I would become...

better.

and that is the goal.

Be better

little by little

day by day

better.