
I was kicked out of the Girl Scouts. That is not literally true. I never went back after "the incident". But that is what would have happened if I had so to say I quit would be a lie of sorts. And I made an agreement with myself to stop lying.
I can’t tell what happened without saying something that will sound like an excuse. It isn’t. But without knowing this you won’t understand why I did it and that is the point of telling. Otherwise it’s just another girl gone bad story.
My parents bought a house when I was three. It was in a middle class, family friendly neighborhood with lots of kids. But there was something screwy in Spermville. They were all boys except me and my next door neighbor. She was one year older and my mother recognized the devil in her. Linda Sue became my best friend and I wanted to be just like her.
We rarely fought. If we did it was because I didn’t want to do what she wanted. When that happened she went home. Or told me to go home. I usually gave in because I liked being with her more than I liked playing by myself. She did fun things. My mother didn’t like her but she didn't know everything. She didn’t know how much Linda Sue cried from being whipped with a rose bush stick. She showed me the marks. So when she did something wrong it was better for me to take the blame. My father used his hand and it didn’t hurt much.
My mother blamed Linda Sue for making me tell lies. It’s hard to know if that is true. I think I would have figured it out on my own. Mom never knew about us sneaking cigarettes when we said we were playing tennis or taking her little brother in the garage and making him take his pants down so we could examine his penis. I learned things from her my parents wouldn’t tell me. She’s the one who told me about sex and babies. First she told me what the “F” word meant and later that my parents did it to have us kids. That was the only time I thought she had to be lying.
Sometimes we took our allowance and went to the dime store. The first time Linda Sue shoplifted I didn’t know it happened until the next day. She dumped out the loot on her bedspread and swore me to secrecy. She let me take my pick of engagement rings. The next time I watched how she did it. And the time after that I did it too. I took a crucifix necklace. Embedded on the crown of thorns was a tiny round magnifying glass. Etched inside was the Lord’s Prayer. It was magical and something I’d never get for a present. Linda Sue thought it was a stupid thing to shoplift. I thought God would be more inclined to forgive me for taking this instead of fake diamonds. My mother found it in my jewelry box and asked where I got it. I told her nuns gave it to me for being polite. She almost called the convent to complain about nuns trying to convert Protestant girls.
We were a scouting family. My father was the boy scout leader, my brothers became Eagle Scouts and continued in scouting throughout high school and beyond. I joined the Girl Scouts and withstood teasing about our wimpy badges and obvious inferiority. One summer I went to Girl Scout camp for a week. I liked the camp counselors and thought the ones in high school were cool. I wanted to become one and mom was happy about that because it was something Linda Sue didn’t do. She was a lapsed Girl Scout. She joined but her parents didn’t help her earn badges or buy a uniform. They never wanted to pay for her to go to camp but didn’t qualify for a scholarship. So every summer I left her for one week. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I told her it was dumb and I only went because my mother made me.
Linda Sue went to Jr. High one year before I did. She told me about the boys she liked and we practiced kissing on a wood post in her basement. She painted lips on it and we tried to be passionate while avoiding splinters. She had new friends but since I was in grade school she couldn’t invite me over when they were there. It would be different next year.I watched them from my bedroom windows as they went into her house. The basement light turned on so I knew what they were doing. There wasn’t much else to do in her basement.
When I went to Jr. High I joined the Cadet Girl Scouts. A couple girls in the troupe had the same lunch hour so we sat together. That was a huge burden lifted. Linda Sue warned me it would look bad if I sat by myself. But on the bus ride home Linda Sue said the girls were too nice and not pretty enough and no boys would ever like me if I hung out with them. I said I liked them and she shrugged then turned to talk to the girls behind us.
My mother volunteered to be an assistant girl scout leader for my old elementary troupe. They planned one more week-end camp out before the weather turned bad. She asked if I wanted to come and help out. The girls liked me and it would help me earn a leadership badge. When I told Linda Sue she asked if she could come. I was relieved she wanted to spend time with me. I worked on my mother for a week and finally she agreed.
A part of the requirement for my leadership badge was to lead. I was responsible for one of the tents that had four girls. Linda Sue tagged along. I supervised their chores, taught them how to tie slip knots, helped them cook over a fire we built and told scary stories at the campfire. That night Linda Sue suggested we go on a real adventure the next day. There was a country store within walking distance of the camp. I could give “my girls” a new challenge.
The next day we went for a hike before packing up to go home. I lead them out of the camp and down to the country store. I went in first and came back with an assignment. There were pencils with tiny troll dolls stuck on one end. They were to shoplift at least one. I gave them pointers and a pep talk. Linda Sue stood back and watched. I lead them into the store and swiped the first one to show them how it was done. As a part of the plan, I bought candy while they were stealing. We left and made it back to the camp giggling. Linda Sue didn’t have to say it. I could see she was impressed and that’s all I ever wanted.

We packed up and were in cars ready to leave when a black Cadillac pulled into the camp.The woman who owned the store stepped out. I yelled the first thing that came to me. “Throw them out!.” Troll doll pencils flew out the windows. The girls cried. Linda Sue and I did not. We had a pact. No tattling. No confessing. No crying.
The store owner talked to my mother and the other leader and pointed to our car where I was in the front seat. They walked over and saw troll doll pencils scattered on the ground. The owner pointed at me and said “She's the ringleader.” I couldn’t look at my mother. I said a man gave us the trolls. He was tall and had red curly hair and wore a white t shirt. I had just described my father.
I have no explanation for why I made up a non-existent person, or ordered the girls to throw the evidence out the window or why I thought I could lead four novice girls on a shoplifting spree in a small store with no other customers. I was an idiot.
My mother was angry and disappointed and ashamed. Over the next few days she cried often and begged me to tell her why. I didn’t respond. She arranged for a private meeting with the store owner for Linda Sue and me to apologize. Linda and I had our own meeting ahead of time. We agreed to stand strong and silent.
Our mothers sat in the front seat and we were in the back. No one talked. The store owner opened the door and let us come in. We stood in the foyer under a massive chandelier. This was as far as we were allowed. She stood and waited. I was to go first. As I began Linda Sue burst out in tears and begged forgiveness. She regretted all the problems this had caused everyone. She didn’t know why she went along with this. She prayed Jesus would forgive her.
I don't remember what I said. Maybe nothing. I was stunned at what Linda Sue had just done. The store owner forgave Linda Sue and told her she was sure Jesus did too. “You are going to grow up to be a fine young lady.” She gave her a hug and then turned and pointed at me with her bony jeweled finger. “But this one is going to end up in prison one day.” She looked at my mother. “I feel sorry for you.”
The ride home was even quieter than the ride there. I felt Linda Sue trying to catch my eye but I wouldn’t look at her.
I never went back to another girl scout meeting and they never called to invite me back. That’s why I figured they didn’t want me anymore. I found new people to sit with at lunch. I thought my reputation would be ruined but no one seemed to care. I discovered in Jr. High kids thought Scouting was uncool.
The trolls were my last heist. It took a long time to restore my parent’s trust. I didn’t mind random searches of my purse and room. I deserved that. I never explained anything about the shoplifting spree or told about the ones before this, even when mom held up the crucifix and asked. I had sworn an oath and decided to keep my word even when Linda Sue didn’t.
She and I didn't see each other after that. My mother drove me to school and back. We were beyond playing outside. In school I was in the college bound track and she wasn’t. She had boyfriends with motorcycles and loud mufflers. The boys wore leather jackets and kept cigarettes rolled in their t shirt sleeve. Once I saw my mom watching her our the kitchen window. She was making out with her James Dean looking boyfriend. Mom shook her head. “She’s the one heading for prison.”
Linda Sue became engaged her senior year of high school and invited me to her wedding shower but not the wedding. The guest list was limited. It was not the wedding we had planned when we did a pinky swear and promised to be each other’s maid of honor.
My mother came with me to shop for a present. I selected a blue glass statue of a laughing Buddha. Mom was puzzled by my choice. She asked if this was something Linda Sue would want. I said "No. She will probably hate it." I paid extra for gift wrap.
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