About Weddings & Marriage

When I was nine I asked for and got a bride doll. She was modeled after Bess Myerson, Miss America 1945. She had short curly brown hair, red lips, imitation pearl earrings that dangled and thick eyelashes (until my brother pulled them out). Her feet were molded in tip toe position for the fake diamond studded high heels. She came with a white satin gown, lace bra & panties and a veil. I shoved pins in her head to make the veil stick.

I did not have the groom. For wedding ceremonies I used my stuffed tiger. I knew the vow from television shows. We rarely went to weddings and when we did we sat in the back row too far away to hear what was said. I saw the bride for one second as she walked down the aisle with her father and for less than a second as she left with a husband. That seemed like magic. I wanted to ask if it felt different being married but we never went to the reception. My mother sent a card with a check instead. “So many people they won’t miss us.”

I loved the vow...Do you take this man? Do you take this woman? To love, to honor, in sickness, in health, til’ death. I wanted someone to love me like that. In my doll-tiger weddings I usually omitted the “obey” part. Sometimes I had both say it, but wasn’t sure how that would work. After my secret crush boyfriend sent a love note to my best friend, I made the Tiger say it.

The Women’s Lib Movement hit when I was in high school. There were news reports that some brides refused to say “obey” and some ministers allowed that. I was relieved. I had planned to mumble. Most my friends wanted to keep “obey” in the vow. Yes, we talked about things like that. A lot. It wasn’t the only reason I found new friends, but it contributed.

My sophomore year in college I became a Bahá’i. It was a religion that made sense. It taught all faiths worship the same God and teach the same basic truth. Love each other. In high school I took a world religions class and came to the same conclusion. Bahá’is also believed in equality of women and men, that there is only one race and that science and religion complement each other. It felt almost too good to be true. And it was. There was something I had a problem with that almost kept me from becoming a Baha’i.

Regardless of age, all living parents of the couple give must consent to the marriage. The Baha’i Faith is about unity and that begins with family. I will tell you I did not like this. At nineteen I did not want to ask permission for anything. I decided to trust this would not be a problem. Besides I didn’t think I’d ever get married. Every boyfriend bored me in two weeks or less. A month later that all changed. And there was a problem with consent. It took almost five years to get, but it did what Bahá’u’lláh, the prophet founder of the Faith, intended. It unified our families and gave me gratitude for my parents in ways I never would have had.

There are some basics about Bahá’i marriage I want to explain. First, it is legal in all fifty states. We don’t have ministers, but we have Local Spiritual Assemblies and they officiate. Some people wonder about that but think it’s rude to ask. Second, the ceremony is simple. The only requirement is two witnesses approved by the Spiritual Assembly and a one sentence vow, said by both. One after the other.

The first time I saw the vow, I was disappointed:

“We will all, verily, abide by the will of God.”
That is it? Where is the promise of love regardless of anything and everything? I wanted more assurances and specifics.

When we planned our ceremony we tried writing additional vows. But my list was too long and I kept thinking of things to add.

"We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God."

Ten words that covered everything I wanted to say and more.

When both abide by God’s Will you take care of each other. You will deal with anemic bank accounts, male patterned baldness, and diametrically opposed definitions of what constitutes a clean sink. You are faithful and compassionate and forgiving. You focus on strengths not weaknesses. Celebrate growth and change instead of fearing it. You care more about the other’s happiness than your own, but since your mate is doing the same thing... you both win. You seek God’s Will to get through tragedies. In time you don’t label them “tragic” because they make you more unified. Stronger. Better. If you want to become a super power couple you can pray for tests, but I think living by God’s Will provides enough challenges.

And a marriage that is never boring.